When I was a kid I was always a really skinny kid. Around 7th grade I became really depressed struggling with my sexuality because of this I gained weight rapidly. When I graduated High School it increased further. When I finally came out I weighed 240 pounds, I wore XL shirts and a size 38-40 waist.
Coming out made me so unbelievably happy, I wanted to exercise and be healthy. I ran every night after work and I watched what I ate very closely. I lost about 35-40 (210-200) pounds and I was a size 34-36.
But for me it wasn’t enough. I hated my body, I hated that you could see my stomach I would look in the mirror and I would be disgusted with myself. I started to take it too far. I would eat a small meal once or twice a day consuming about 300-400 calories. If I had meals with friends I would throw up in the bathroom or once I got home. I got down to 160 pounds a 31 waist and small - medium shirts and I still didn’t like the way I looked.
Eventually, I met Kevin and he made me feel beautiful. He made me feel like all the missed meals were worth it; but when problems with intimacy and my need to be held, as a sign that I was special and worth someones touch, started clouding my head I went back to that instant comfort. Food. I ate anything and everything I wanted. I tried to fill a void of love that I didn’t want to know I was missing. I gained it all back, I was back to 235.
4 Months ago Kevin and I split, it was for the best. The things that I desired in a partner I had forced upon him and he was not that man. After we split I told myself that I choose my happiness and I started running again. I watch what I eat but I eat. I started going back to the gym about 3.5 weeks ago lifting (which I love) and I can already see results. I avoid the scale because I know I am working on myself and the scale is just a number. I went from a 38 waist to a 34 and instead of being ashamed of my tummy or my love handles I am working my ass off at the gym and I am trying to do my best.
I have not been to a public pool since 6th grade because of the way I look. I am slowly building the confidence I need to be happy and for the first time in a very long time I took a picture of myself in the mirror, without my shirt on, to show myself I have come a long way on this self hating journey. I hope that one day I will take a picture in the mirror and just be happy with the way I look but for now I will just work as hard as I can.
Here I am. I feel extremely vulnerable and exposed but if I don’t start putting myself out there I will never love the way I look.